Harry the Cat - a funny poem about The Cat Distribution System

A photo of Charly the Golden Retriever and Harry the Cat getting to know each other

Harry the Cat is my funny poem about the Cat Distribution System and how Harry came into my life. The Cat Distribution System is a playful, mystical internet theory that proposes cats are assigned to humans by some weird cosmic force. This feline phenomenon is a belief that when you find a cat in your life, it is the cat that has mysteriously chosen you as its human – perhaps you too are one of the lucky ‘chosen’ ones?

Harry the Cat (or The Cat Distribution System Poem)

I’ve acquired a pussy cat, much to my dismay

I certainly didn’t want one, he just sort of came my way

Harry came from Harwich where he lived with aunty Pat

But aunty has been taken ill so I’ve acquired a cat

I don’t like cats, they bite and scratch and cover you in fur

And they kill our little birdies so it’s doggies I prefer

But no-one else could take him in, I said we’d have a chat

I guess our hearts went out to him, so now we’ve got a cat

I think we’re going to like him though, he’s settled in so well

And he won’t be killing birdies ‘cos I’ve given him a bell

He doesn’t bite or scratch, just purrs happily all day

And he’s very clean and tidy with the dreaded litter tray

And what they say is rubbish, cats and dogs don’t fight

They seem to love each other, they bonded at first sight

He cuddles up with Charly and gives a little groom

There’s so much love between those two, they should get a room!

It’s almost like it’s destiny, like it was meant to be

Maybe the universe could see we needed company

I never thought I’d have a cat, it’s funny how life goes

Do cats have magic powers…possibly….who know?!

Before coming to live with us, Harry had lived with my elderly and eccentric Auntie Joyce. We don’t know where he lived before that. For the life of me I can’t imagine why, but for some reason or other (if you go along with the Cat Distribution System theory), out of all the humans in the world, Harry had ‘chosen’ this strange lady as his human! Maybe he was sent to be company for her at a difficult time. Who knows.

I first became aware of his existence about 6 months before Uncle Fred passed away and Joyce became a widow. In her wisdom, Auntie Joyce had decided that this poor cat was a stray. She said it was obvious that no-one was feeding him. She refused to hear anyone who said he looked perfectly ok. And so she ‘took him in’. She literally took him in though. She pretty much force fed him three cooked chickens a week and rarely let him out of the house – he was almost held prisoner. We all tried to explain to her that this wasn’t fair and that he might have a caring family who would be worried about him. Auntie Joyce assured us that she had searched high and low for his rightful owners – she had asked at every house in the town, knocked on every door, but no-one had claimed him. Auntie Joyce was prone to telling porkies though and we never really believed this.

When Joyce was taken into hospital and couldn’t cope any more at home on her own, her biggest worry was ‘cat’ (she had never given him a name of his own) so in a moment of madness, I promised that I would look after him. We did put notices in the local post office to see if anyone would claim him but nobody came forward and he had not been microchipped. So he came home with us.

We already had Charly the Golden Retriever, our lockdown dog – that’s another story (I didn’t want a dog either!). Charly was a lively 4 year old at the time and I was very nervous about introducing them. Would Harry scratch Charly? Would Charly frighten Harry? In the event, I needn’t have worried. Golden Retrievers have such wonderful temperaments – Charly wouldn’t hurt a fly and they quickly became great companions.

So the next thing was to get Harry checked over by the vet. He clearly hadn’t been neutered so that was decided upon – poor old Harry…...

Harry the Cat Goes to the Vet

Harry’s very proud of what’s beneath his tail

He presents it to me frequently - he’s definitely male

I avert my eyes but I bet the ladies are impressed

I’d say in that department, our Harry has been blessed

He’s not going to like me though, he’s going to the vet

They’re going to take his tackle off – I haven’t told him yet

It’s such a big decision but they say you really should

To stop unwanted kittens - it’s for the Greater Good

Apparently Tom cats are more inclined to fight

And fraternise and fornicate with mollies of the night

They say that Toms are bullies, they say that Tom cats stray

And they make your house all stinky ‘cos they get an urge to spray

The vet says he’ll get over it (easy for her to say!)

She says there’s nothing to it - she does 20 ops a day

So I’ve taken that decision - he’s going in at nine

I’m sure he’ll soon recover, I’m sure he will be fine

I feel like such a traitor though, will he lose his va-va voom?

Will he lose his youthful vigour and become all doom and gloom?

I hope he doesn’t hold a grudge, I hope he’ll soon forget

All about his pompoms and his visit to the vet

The vet was right – he recovered really quickly – but he was such a sad sight for the first day or two……

Harry Isn’t Happy

Harry isn’t happy, he’s as wretched as can be

They took away his tackle and I think he’s blaming me

The vet said he was very good, everything went well

But now he’s home, he’s very sad – he’s raising merry hell!

Poor pussy cat can’t settle, he won’t leave it alone

Licking where they used to be, so he’s got to wear a cone

He’s barging into everything, he just can’t seem to rest

He’s all confused and clumsy and looks a bit depressed

You can’t explain to pussy cats it’s for the greater good

Honestly, if looks could kill, I think he really would!

Pretty much the next day, Harry woke up hungry. The same thing had happened to Charly after his little op. Vets don’t seem to mention this beforehand – your pet’s whole life suddenly revolves around the next feeding time. It’s a shame really….

Harry the Hungry Cat

Harry’s always hungry since we took him to the vet

“Meow! Meow! Meow!” He’s a very needy pet

“Feed me, Mummy, FEED ME! You haven’t fed me yet

It must be nearly dinner time, I’m worried you’ll forget”

When I come down in the morning, I get a meet and greet

“Feed me Mummy, FEED ME!” He’s there under my feet

When I come home from the office, “Meow! Meow! Meow!”

Harry’s there beside me – “Feed Me Mummy NOW!”

Like I said, I never really wanted a cat or a dog. I like to keep my house nice and clean and tidy and animals, I would say especially Golden Retrievers, are not conducive to that. As my Nanna Roydon used to say, cleanliness is next to godliness – not that I’m a religious person! Anyway, I now spend vast, almost ridiculous amounts of time hoovering and trying to make my house smell nice – I’m fighting a loosing battle though……

Harry the Hairy Cat

It’s hairy on the sofa

It’s hairy on the floor

It’s hairy on the worktops

(They’re the hardest to ignore)

I hate hairs in my fridge

And I hate hairs in my sink

But the hairs I hate the most

Are floating in my drink

There are hairs on my elbows

And hairs are on my knees

Hairs are in the bread bin

And I found one on the cheese

The cause of my displeasure is curled up on my lap

Purring like a nutter, he’s a very happy chap

I don’t want to disturb him though, he’s in his happy place

I swear that’s a contented smile on Harry’s hairy face

So it’s hairy on the table - we’re in a right old state

I’ll hoover when I’m able – ‘til then the hairs can wait

Obviously I can’t blame Harry for all the hairs – Charly does his fair share of the shedding. But I do find myself getting more fed up with Harry for some reason. I think it might be because he’s so naughty. He absolutely refuses to do what he’s told! I did speak to one lady who told me that cats have to be trained but I don’t seem to be having much luck in that department…..

Harry the Naughty Cat

Harry is a naughty boy

Harry’s in disgrace

He keeps jumping on the table

Doesn’t seem to know his place

He keeps jumping on the worktops

Where I prepare our food

I push him off but up he hops

He’s in a naughty mood

Charly, on the other hand, does everything he’s told

Charly is a good boy, he’s as good as gold

Why are cats so stubborn?

Does anybody know?

Can you train a pussy cat?

If not, he’ll have to go!

Since taking Harry in, I had made it very clear to everyone I knew that if I could find another home for him – if someone really wanted a cat - I would be happy to pass him on. We kept him in for about 6 weeks before letting him out of the house – so that he knew we were his new humans. He had been watching the birds from the window with such gusto - tail twitching madly – that I was sure he would be keen to get out there. So on the chosen day I was really surprised that he needed any encouragement at all to venture out into the great outdoors. We put treats out on the patio and everything! Then, when he did step out of the door, very slowly and timidly at first, all of a sudden he bolted – as they say, like a rat up a drain pipe! I wasn’t expecting that and stupidly didn’t have any shoes on - by the time I found some, he had completely disappeared – it was terrible…..

Harry Runs Away

Something terrible has happened

Harry’s run away

I’m beside myself with worry

Praying he’s ok

We thought that he was ready

To go outside and play

But he shot off like a rocket

Oh what a rotten day!

I wish I hadn’t let him out

Kept him safe inside

He doesn’t know the area

He must be terrified

We called his name for hours on end

We shook his box of treats

We searched the garden high and low

And all the nearby streets

We messaged all our neighbours

We called the local vet

We’re trying not to give up hope

But everyone’s upset

And now it’s getting dark outside

Wherever can he be?

Is he hiding in a bush somewhere

Or stuck up in a tree?

Suddenly I heard a noise

As faint as faint can be

Was it my imagination?

I called him hopefully

Then there he was, as bold as brass

Strutting through the door

Rubbing up against my leg

The cat I now adore!

‘Til now I hadn’t realised

Quite how much I care

I thought he was a nuisance

Just a fluffy ball of hair

But he’s worked his way into my heart

He’s made our house a home

I just need to go online

And buy a grooming comb!

So many cats go missing all the time and I now understand just how awful this is. Like people say, it’s the not knowing. We were lucky that he came back.

But I must be honest and admit that ours was only a temporary home for Harry. My mum and her partner decided that they would like to have him. When he was with Joyce, his coat was matted and I think he probably had fleas – she didn’t know how to look after him properly – so he wasn’t such an appealing prospect. After a month or two with us, he really did blossom into a beautiful, clean, loving pet. He is a really lovely cat and I am sure he is now in his forever home. I often take Charly to visit and they are still great mates.